Humor
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The Old German Shepherd and the Panther…
One day an old German shepherd dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep trouble now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story….
Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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It’s all about your perspective…
Subject: DEAR MOM
A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with John and he is so nice – even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion mom, I’m pregnant and John said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Michelle
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Father and Daughter’s Football Game Discussion…
A father took his young daughter to a football game. After it was over he asked her how she liked the game. He also wanted to know if she understood what was going on. She said she did so he asked her to explain what she had learned about football. She started with the flip of the coin. She said two members from each team gathered around the referee and he tossed a quarter in the air. For the rest of the game, she heard the players yelling get the Quarterback. She felt that was a lot of effort for 25 cents…
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Baby Diapers vs. Depends
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.
When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
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Directions
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town, and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the post office!”
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Where do we come from?
A little girl asked her mother, “Where did people come from?”
Her mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s how all mankind was made.”
A couple of days later she asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, which the human race evolved from.”
The confused little girl returned to her mother and said, “Mommy, how is it possible that you told me that we were created by God, and Daddy said we came from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
From <http://www.makeitclearnow.org/relhumor.html>
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The Prayer Request
A businessman needed a million dollars to close an important business transaction. He went to church to pray for the money.
He knelt and started praying next to a man who was praying for a hundred dollars he needed to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed the hundred dollars into the other man’s hand.
Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”
From <http://www.makeitclearnow.org/relhumor.html>
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Lord Help Me
Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self-centered. I’m really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes I’m going to be getting out of bed and then I’m going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen
From <http://www.makeitclearnow.org/relhumor.html>
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Miracle?
Father O’Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, ‘Father, have you been drinking?’
‘Only water’, replied Father O’Malley.
The policeman asked, ‘Then how come I can smell wine?’
The priest looked at the bottle and said, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again.’
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The Funny Fable of the Foolish Friars
A group of Carmelite friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought that the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close their doors, but they ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh Mordor, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close up shop.
Hugh attacked and beat the friars mercilessly and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close down immediately.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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What religion are you?
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, ‘That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.’
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New twist on Lot’s tale
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’
His son asked, ‘What happened to the flea?’
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Martin Takes the Bait?
Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.
Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, ‘Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.’
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Expectant Fathers:
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered.
“I work for the 3M Corporation.” My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man – who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”
After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up “I should have never taken that job at 7-Up “I should have never taken that job at 7-Up…
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A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”
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Penny For Your Thoughts:
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”